What the good people at Google think of my lowly blog

When I was setting up this blog a few weeks ago, I saw a link to the right of the main page body that said something like, "Want to put Google AdSense on your blog?" Why not, I figured. It would be more for the techno cool factor than a money making endeavor. Here is Google's response to my inquiry:

Hello Brian,

Thank you for your interest in Google AdSense. After reviewing your application, our specialists have found that it does not meet our program criteria. Therefore, we are unable to accept you into our program.

We have certain policies in place that we believe will help ensure the effectiveness of Google ads for our publishers as well as for our advertisers. We review all publishers, and we reserve the right to decline any application. As we grow, we may find that we are able to expand our program to more web publishers with a wider variety of web content.

Please note that we may not be able to respond to inquiries regarding the specific reasons for our decision. Thank you for your understanding.

Sincerely,

The Google AdSense Team A

I copied and pasted the above e-mail into Google's Translator service and asked it to go from "Marketingese" (an English dialect I know well) to "No B.S." Here's what came out:

Hello [insert enterprising capitalist's name here],

Thanks for nothing. Your "web page" is pretty bad. I bet you get no greater than 30 visits a day. I ran an internal search of Google's servers and couldn't find one stinking reference to your blog. That's CRAZY considering we've indexed over 8 billion web pages. It is with great pleasure I inform you that your site will not be graced with our advertisements. (We've got a brand to uphold here!)

We do actually have some one in [insert name of whatever outsourcing country is in currently in the news here] look at all the pages you people submit and see if they meet our stringent non-suckiness requirement. Although, once we pummel Microsoft and run out of places to make more money, we may contact people like you and let you pay us every time someone clicks on one of our ads on your site. But only if you've been nice.

Although we promise a conscious human-being looked at your web page he/she does not remember the reason why we rejected it and it would cost WAY too much to document that kind of thing. We hope you understand.

The Google AdSense "A" Team

(queue smoky narrator voice) "A crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Bay Area underground. They survived as coders of fortune shifting from dot.com to dot.com in hopes of real fortune until they found Google. If you have a website, and it doesn't suck, and you wanna make some money, maybe you can hire The Google AdSense "A" Team")

Nothing against the people at Google. I just have a little too much time on my hands and I thought their polite e-mail was pretty funny. Just shoot me straight.